Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my moms death. I didn’t even realize it until Facebook notified me of my memories and I saw where one of my aunts had tagged me in a post on this day last year.
Talk about heart sinking. But not heartsinking like you would think.
Call me cold hearted, but when I first got word that my mom had passed…I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel the need to jump on a plain and travel to where she lived, I didn’t really feel anything at all. It was sad because someone passed away, but it wasn’t heartache like when you lose someone close to you.
After a couple weeks of her being gone, I started to feel guilty. Why didn’t I try harder? What if I called her more? What if I made more of an effort to spend time with her when she would come in town? What if my purpose was to show her that someone loved her and I just left her feeling alone? Would she still be here if I had put my stubbornness and selfishness aside?
During the guilt stage, I got really sad. There were days I would wake up and just cry for hours. I would spend half of my day crying and wondering “why?”. This stage of my emotions was probably the hardest for me because I’ve never been one to be sad. I’m supposed to be strong and here I was crying my days away.
In this past year, I noticed myself getting angry at a lot of things. Angry she’s gone and I never said anything to her about how I really felt. Angry she wasn’t strong enough to overcome her demons and be the mom we needed her to be. Angry that we’d never have the chance to make amends. And angry at myself for not giving her the chance to be and do better because I was so busy trying to keep myself from getting hurt again.
I never really felt anxious or stressed before this year. I actually didn’t even know that that is what I was feeling until I started having chest pains and shortness of breath for several months and finally went to the doctor (several times) to figure out what was wrong with me. When one of them told me it was stress, I thought he was crazy. I’m feeling much better now that I have figured out ways to help me feel better/calm the anxiety. Click here to see how I manage stress and anxiety.
Last, but certainly not least, I’ve felt more thankful than ever this year. I’m thankful that I have the chance to show my kids the the type of mom that I always wanted and needed. I’m not perfect (actually I’m very far from it) and I have to work on myself daily, but if it weren’t for my mom, I wouldn’t be who I am today. She showed me through the years exactly who I want to be and who I don’t.
Losing a parent is never an easy thing whether they are an absent or present parent. Remember to love yourself and give yourself grace as you work through all of your emotions. You are enough and you are amazing.
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